This is what rituals are for. We do spiritual ceremonies as human beings in order to create a safe resting place for our most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don’t have to haul those feelings around with us forever, weighing us down. We all need such places of ritual safekeeping. And I do believe that if your culture or tradition doesn’t have the specific ritual you are craving, then you are absolutely permitted to make up a ceremony of your own devising, fixing your own broken-down emotional systems with all the do-it-yourself resourcefulness of a generous plumber/poet.”
Elizabeth Gilbert

 

Adopting a My Turn! Attitude.

Do a quick internet search for adoption ceremonies and you’ll find loads of resources for welcoming and entrustment rituals which serve to welcome the child into a pre-existing family fold.

Sometimes, you might even find a mother & child reunion ceremony, such as the one I helped my celebrant colleague Alisa Tongg develop for her friend, the birth mother. Rarely though will you find ceremonial options and healing rituals for adoptees to enact along their complicated life’s journey.

If you’re an adult adoptee reading this and you find yourself in need of some ritual medicine, take heart. There are as many ways to honor your lived experiences and passage points as there are adoptees.

And I note this because we humans love to make sense of the world and categorize people into monoliths. As adoptees, we have many such umbrella terms – transracial, transnational, late discovery, Baby Scoop…the list goes on. Factor in foster care, DNA surprises, open versus closed adoptions, and the intersections become more complicated.

That said, I sing from the song sheet that if you’ve heard one adoptee’s story, you’ve heard only one adoptee’s story. We might share similar feelings, primal wounds, microaggressions, and search methods, but each of us has a story as particular as our genes.

 

I’m a ceremonialist who believes it’s never too late to go back and reconsecrate moments from the past as a way to reclaim (and reframe) our identities. Rituals of empowerment are just that…empowering. They allow us to remember that we are the brave protagonists of our own stories. And such rituals permit us to wrangle the narrative and place ourselves back at the center so that we might gain new perspective, acceptance, and healing.    

Sometimes that entails correcting an old wrong. When my husband and I got married a zillion moons ago, I took issue with our pastor for having to say obey in my vows like I was his chattel. When hubby and I renewed our vows 25 years later, I wrote my new vows without the word and he insert it into his own! It was a reconsecration. a sacred corrective, and an important do-over.   

So if you’re an adoptee at such a crossroads in your own adoptee travels ~ perhaps feeling jaded, disillusioned, or even sorrowful that you missed out on the baby announcements, balloons, and other celebratory hoopla ~ these ideas might be exactly what you need to give pause, embrace what is, celebrate a milestone, turn a corner, cross a threshold, honor what was, close a door and invite what might be next for you.

I recommend taking the time to think through what feels do-able, resonant, and energizing for you. If wordnerding isn’t your thing, the poetry activities might not appeal to you. But try on a few of these or better yet, enfold them into a larger ceremony structure.

I know what you’re thinking. But wait, what do you mean, a ceremony structure?

 

 

Ceremony Structure/Logistics:

If DIYing this, you’ll want to consider:

1. Who will help you design, lead, and witness? If you plan to include your story, I advise having a close friend read it so you can receive the good medicine of your own words. Ditto for logistical aspects where you might need help (dimming lights, clicking play on a laptop, etc.).

2. What physical items do you want to gather? From setting a meaningful altar to having something in hand at the end, consider the talismans and supplies you’ll need to collect to create a ceremonial space. It doesn’t need to be all that formal, but having symbolic items helps signify the auspiciousness of this intimate gathering.

3. Which elements do you want to include for a beginning, middle, and end? 

• Beginning: It’s appropriate to speak to your intentions (why you’re doing this and why now?), what kind of support you might be seeking from those present, and which gestures might help you set the stage for what’s to come. For example, playing an opening song, featuring images, placing meaningful altar items, lighting a candle, or reading a poem are all great options for the initial part of a “Coming Home to Self” ceremony. This is also a good place to acknowledge ancestors, your “before” story, and those who have supported you.

• Middle: This is where you’ll weave in your story, a slide show, music, and your insights, along with any release and forgiveness rituals. 

• Ending: If you’re engaging in any ritual release gestures, you’ll also want to include a ritual of renewal. This is the empowerment piece I referred to earlier. Ideas for renewal include words of blessing and support from your community, blessing of hands, donning of ceremonial clothing, gifting yourself something (like a homemade birth certificate), or sharing words that reflect what it is you’re affirming or claiming for yourself going forth, to name just a few examples.

And then decide how you want to close your ceremonial time and be reincorporated back into your community. A reading, a community welcoming (I’m a big fan of community fanfare like a tunnel of love, bubbles, or a closing circle so everyone can reflect on what they just heard and experienced.)

OK, so now that you have a sense of the elements you might include and in what order, let’s turn to some solid rituals.

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Write Yourself Home.

Writing and journaling can be powerful healing modalities. Here are some writing project options you could easily incorporate into your healing ceremony.

1. Re-write your own birth tale. What’s your story, morning glory? Isn’t it time you told your story from your point of view? Buy yourself a blank book (bonus points if it’s a children’s board book), decorate it, and then add your own images, drawings, words, and photos into it. Dare to read your amazing Once Upon a Time story aloud to a circle of supportive friends.
2. Craft your own “I Am From…” poem. Inspired by the poem and movement that George Ella Lyons created, try your hand at writing your own “I Am From” poem that names all the people, places, foods, memories, sayings, and things you come from and are made of. It’s not unusual for me to task my teenaged peeps and newly-minted elders with this project as a way to discover their own inner star stuff. Adoptees will also want to look to the fabulous children’s book, Where We Come From, co-written by a group of four authors including adoptees Shannon Gibney and Sun Yung Shin, for further inspiration on how to write your own origin poem.   
3. Write a Healing Letter to self, adoptive parent(s), birth parent(s), the Adoption Industrial Complex, God, or even to your younger self at a pivotal turning point in your journey. Here’s an example of one I wrote recently. I highly recommend writing this letter with the express intention of reading it aloud, having it witnessed by trusted cohort, and then ritually burning or composting it afterwards. If you’d like a template on how to craft a healing letter, hop over to my Contact page and send me a message. I’d be happy to send it to you.
4. Fashion a found poem using copies of your birth documents. Gather the ephemera of your birth files and papers. These might include letters, legal documents, etc. You can black out words with a marker, exposing only the words you want to keep that will read like a poem. Or you can cut out words and phrases from these files or your own journal writing to create a found poem.

 

 

Time Travel.

Healing work entails excavation. See if you can go back in time to unearth the jewels and shiny bits of your adoption story. Consider your highs, lows, learnings, and curiosities throughout the decades. Once you’ve mapped out your timeline, turn it into a creative project, as follows:

• Make an accordion booklet and include photos of those who were pivotal to the twists and turns of your story. 
• Create a River of Life altar. This is a great way to set your ceremonial space. Use an assortment of blue fabrics (table runners, scarves, etc.) and then place small photos and symbolic items along either side of the riverbank that represent important moments, cultural talismans, and other elements that pertain to your life story. Your river can curve and might even have canyons and waterfalls. Be creative.

 

 

• Throw yourself a belated welcoming party. Didn’t get the welcome basket or balloon bouquet? Make your own. Buy the baby welcoming balloons. Get cupcakes. Have everyone bring a gift. Play the party games. Rename yourself. Christen yourself with a water blessing ritual, henna painting, jewelry, or a tattoo. You get the drill. When I finally got to meet my paternal birth cousins in Canada a couple of years ago, they welcomed me with a large It’s a Girl! banner. I can’t even begin to tell you what a thrill that was!

 

 

Factor in the Senses & the Elements.

Don’t forget to include the senses and the elements – enliven your ceremony with multi-sensory elements such as tactile items, aroma, food and beverage, music, and visuals. And make room for earth, air, fire, and water in your rituals of transformation. You can choose to burn, dissolve, bury, or compost a ritual item, such as a letter, paper slips, or a Despacho aka a healing bundle (scroll to the bottom of the page to find the story). 

 

Show & Tell.

If none of these other modalities resonate with you, consider making an art project that represents your story to this point, such as:

• Making a weaving or mosaic from strips of your birth documents, photos, writings, and other pertinent paperwork. Print these onto durable art paper, cut into strips, paint or color them with wax or pencil crayons, add strips of other images that help tell your story, and then weave them into a woven art piece (or cut into squares and create a mosaic).
• Stitching your name onto your own chosen receiving blanket. Turn it into an altar cloth as a way to then set your own sacred birth altar. Or bundle it up with a letter to yourself and/or soulful tokens that symbolize your essence and gifts. 

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This is only a small sampling of ritual ideas for adoptees. I could go on and on with ideas that include dollmaking/paper dollmaking, a secret lockbox, truths and lies, custom wooden puzzle fitting, stork delivery, and rebirthing certificate. But you get the point. True ritual inspiration must be mined from the stuff and story of your own life, and some of those items might be connected to your cultural heritage. For example, nesting dolls connect to mine and so that’s a ritual item I have used in a couple of ways.

If you’re stuck for ideas, start with telling your story to yourself, even if that’s just a bullet point list. Once you’ve mapped the many faces, places, cherished items, and key experiences along your pathway, you’ll find ritual ideas and symbols will begin to jump out at you. 

Or perhaps they won’t. In that case, maybe you’ll want to do the good work of hiring the services of a celebrant or working in tandem with a therapist to help you identify the wounded places that still bruise to the touch and to discern what form of healing feels right for you.